Saturday, 16 January 2016

How I Live

Hello loves! I hope you are all doing fabulously well and I hope that 2016 is treating you superbly so far!

I know, I know, I am rubbish at this whole blogging thing but I won't apologise. This is my little spot on the internet and no matter how hard I try to keep it up to date, sometimes it's just too much for me. 

Aaaaanyway... (this about to get deep bros)

These past couple of months have honestly been really tough for me.

Usually, everyday is a bit of a struggle for me but December and January have just caused me to almost have a full on breakdown. I have been suffering and I feel like now is the time to put it out there, as I do not want this to become something I am embarrassed about - I'll explain later.

Basically, *takes deep breath* I am currently suffering with something my GP & therapist like to call low mood. 
I am not 100% sure, but I think that it's pretty much depression, anxiety and all around stress put together in a package with a big awful bow on the top.

Now the reason I don't want to be ashamed of this is because a huge amount of people suffer with this. I have pulled some facts from the internet to show you the hugeness of this illness:
  • 1 in 4 people will experience some kind of mental health problem in the course of a year.
  • Globally, an estimated 350 MILLION people of all ages suffer with depression.
  • As many as 9.7% of the population suffer with mixed depression and anxiety, making it the most prevalent mental health problem as a whole!
I'll stop there because that isn't what this post is about. I don't want to hammer you with facts and figures, I want to talk about my experience so far.

The realisation of me having depression happened when I was told some mega exciting news by some family members. EVERYONE was excited, past me would DEFINITELY have been very excited, but current me was not. I sat there, unmoved. The only emotion I semi felt was worry. I figured that that was not the reaction I should have had, and it clicked in my brain. I couldn't ignore this numb feeling that persisted inside me anymore. Everything was dull and dark and negative. I'm still pretty much that way at the moment & it's tough. 

Anxiety on the other hand is something I have suffered with knowingly for years. Panic attacks in sweaty clubs, not being able to breath and constantly worrying about what others thought of me. Then I decided that I wasn't going to put myself through it anymore, so I stopped going out. Looking back on this, I realise, it was kinda stupid. By then the depression started it's numbing effect and I stopped caring what others thought about me staying in all the time. 

And voila! I am stuck. I wake up exhausted every day even though i've had 12 hours of sleep. The dark circles under my eyes are as distinct and bruise like as ever, and I have awful tummy pain (most likely caused by this, says GP) to boot.

I worry about work, my finances and that my family & friends will hate the person this has turned me into. Negative, often bitchy and very closed off.

Honestly, I hate me at the moment. A lot.

Now, I'm not writing this to moan about myself and my life because I know that everyone has daily struggles too, sometimes the thought of that is the only thing keeping me going, not gonna lie. 

I'm writing this because 1) it's kinda therapeutic for me and I feel like I need to explain as best I can what is going on in my head and 3) if you are suffering it's important to know you're not the only one.

Cliche? Yes! When you hear the doc say that to you, you brush it off. 

"Sure doc, that's great, but is that going to make me be able to be a part of my brothers wedding without feeling like i'd be better off in bed? or go on trips with my friends without thinking that they all secretly hate me? NO"

But it's good to know there's others that understand, even if they are a little further afield. If you suffer with any mental health issues, I would like to chat with you and discuss experiences and be friends and stuff!

I went off on a tangent. Sorry. Back to it...

Now I am having Cognitive Behavioural Therapy with a therapist every 2 weeks. She is a great listener and gets it, which is nice. I am also taking some anti-depressant tablets, which are currently making me a tad nauseous but that will fade, i'm sure.

My GP has been brilliant.

If your having a tough time, try to talk to your GP. It took me years to do it because I was a huge sceptic. I thought this was just a part of who I am. But it's not. And if a medical professional can tell me it will get better, then I have faith in them.

I'm not going to lecture you about this, because you know what is best for you. But this is my "Mental Health Journey" so far. I'm hoping that it brightens up a bit soon.

(Look at the chum who was helping me to write this! I love her too much. But after I took this picture, she wrestled with my hands, gnawed at me and then ran away. Cat life)

Lots & lots of love,

(p.s. I am always here if you need a chat! Twitter, Tumblr, Instagram, Facebook or E-mail :) x)

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