32%

Today, I feel like a pretty poor 32%. 

I woke up later than I should have and just lay there for a while and stared at the ceiling.

Then I forced my self to reach over and pick up my phone to scroll through my social medias.

After a good 40 minutes of this, I managed to get up, run to the bathroom and brush my teeth. 

I made my way downstairs, made myself a coffee and just kind of, stirred it, until it went cold. Then I managed a few sips. 

I eventually managed to make myself some cereal which took me 2 hours to eat. 

I thought putting on make up and leaving the house would make me feel better. It didn't, but I did do it.

Now i'm back in bed at 1.30pm in the afternoon and I feel like today is done. 

My head is sore and my heart is sad and I just want to curl back up and stare at the ceiling until sleep takes me again. 

This is okay and it's probably what I will do, but the most annoying thing about today has been that yesterday, I was a good, solid 76%!

Yesterday I saw my friends, smiled, laughed, sang, I even made food and ate it. All of it!

The most annoying thing about this whole situation is how much can change in a matter of 12 hours. 

Yesterday was a success, but today feels like a failure. 

I hope that tomorrow brings some progress and I can get above 50%.

Much loves 

xxx

ASOS Spring Wishlist

The sun is out, the birds are singing, I think that Spring is coming!

And that means, SHOPPING! 

I just wanted to share with you what's on my current 'I want this in my wardrobe NOW' list from ASOS. I am loving florals, pastels and light fabrics as I am so so happy that Winter is finally over, I almost want to bin my coat. Almost.

Jumper With Ruffle Front Detail - £28.00     Water Colour Floral Border Print Blouse - £36.00

Glamorous Nude Suedette Ribbon Tie Ballet Shoes - £20.00 *heart eyed emoji*

Lace And Organza Midi Dress - £95.00

Shirt Dress with Frill Detail in Stripe - £38.00    Dr Martens Gryphon Strap Sandals - £90.00

In My Mind

Guilt, Jealousy, Frustration, Anger, Hatred.

These are the words that come to the front of my mind when I'm having a bad day with my low mood. Let me explain...

Guilt. Because I can't be there for my work colleagues and friends, because I'm too tired to get down the stairs never mind attempted something that could be risky, like driving.

Jealousy. Why are all these other people living their day to day lives happily and normally, whereas for me, everything I do feels like it's a marathon. Why can't I be like that. 

Frustration. I'm being stupid. You're an idiot. You can do it you're just being lazy. Get up, you stupid moron. Get in your car, fat idiot. Get going like a NORMAL PERSON.

Anger. I'm so angry with myself. Why aren't you normal?! Why can't you cook a meal, read a magazine or wash the dishes?!

Hatred. I hate this. I hate being this way. I hate my brain. I hate the way this makes me feel. I hate myself. 

Anyway,

Today has been the first really tough day I've had in a while, which I am thankful for. But I was hoping those days had gone forever. 

I guess you can't get rid of this like you can the flu.

Lots of love,

Hayley

x

How I Live

Hello loves! I hope you are all doing fabulously well and I hope that 2016 is treating you superbly so far!

I know, I know, I am rubbish at this whole blogging thing but I won't apologise. This is my little spot on the internet and no matter how hard I try to keep it up to date, sometimes it's just too much for me. 

Aaaaanyway... (this about to get deep bros)

These past couple of months have honestly been really tough for me.

Usually, everyday is a bit of a struggle for me but December and January have just caused me to almost have a full on breakdown. I have been suffering and I feel like now is the time to put it out there, as I do not want this to become something I am embarrassed about - I'll explain later.

Basically, *takes deep breath* I am currently suffering with something my GP & therapist like to call low mood. 

I am not 100% sure, but I think that it's pretty much depression, anxiety and all around stress put together in a package with a big awful bow on the top.

Now the reason I don't want to be ashamed of this is because a huge amount of people suffer with this. I have pulled some facts from the internet to show you the hugeness of this illness:

• 1 in 4 people will experience some kind of mental health problem in the course of a year.
• Globally, an estimated 350 MILLION people of all ages suffer with depression.
• As many as 9.7% of the population suffer with mixed depression and anxiety, making it the most prevalent mental health problem as a whole!

I'll stop there because that isn't what this post is about. I don't want to hammer you with facts and figures, I want to talk about my experience so far.

The realisation of me having depression happened when I was told some mega exciting news by some family members. EVERYONE was excited, past me would DEFINITELY have been very excited, but current me was not. I sat there, unmoved. The only emotion I semi felt was worry. I figured that that was not the reaction I should have had, and it clicked in my brain. I couldn't ignore this numb feeling that persisted inside me anymore. Everything was dull and dark and negative. I'm still pretty much that way at the moment & it's tough. 

Anxiety on the other hand is something I have suffered with knowingly for years. Panic attacks in sweaty clubs, not being able to breath and constantly worrying about what others thought of me. Then I decided that I wasn't going to put myself through it anymore, so I stopped going out. Looking back on this, I realise, it was kinda stupid. By then the depression started it's numbing effect and I stopped caring what others thought about me staying in all the time. 

And voila! I am stuck. I wake up exhausted every day even though i've had 12 hours of sleep. The dark circles under my eyes are as distinct and bruise like as ever, and I have awful tummy pain (most likely caused by this, says GP) to boot.

I worry about work, my finances and that my family & friends will hate the person this has turned me into. Negative, often bitchy and very closed off.

Honestly, I hate me at the moment. A lot.

Now, I'm not writing this to moan about myself and my life because I know that everyone has daily struggles too, sometimes the thought of that is the only thing keeping me going, not gonna lie. 

I'm writing this because 1) it's kinda therapeutic for me and I feel like I need to explain as best I can what is going on in my head and 3) if you are suffering it's important to know you're not the only one.

Cliche? Yes! When you hear the doc say that to you, you brush it off. 

"Sure doc, that's great, but is that going to make me be able to be a part of my brothers wedding without feeling like i'd be better off in bed? or go on trips with my friends without thinking that they all secretly hate me? NO"

But it's good to know there's others that understand, even if they are a little further afield. If you suffer with any mental health issues, I would like to chat with you and discuss experiences and be friends and stuff!

I went off on a tangent. Sorry. Back to it...

Now I am having Cognitive Behavioural Therapy with a therapist every 2 weeks. She is a great listener and gets it, which is nice. I am also taking some anti-depressant tablets, which are currently making me a tad nauseous but that will fade, i'm sure.

My GP has been brilliant.

If your having a tough time, try to talk to your GP. It took me years to do it because I was a huge sceptic. I thought this was just a part of who I am. But it's not. And if a medical professional can tell me it will get better, then I have faith in them.

I'm not going to lecture you about this, because you know what is best for you. But this is my "Mental Health Journey" so far. I'm hoping that it brightens up a bit soon.

(Look at the chum who was helping me to write this! I love her too much. But after I took this picture, she wrestled with my hands, gnawed at me and then ran away. Cat life)

Lots & lots of love,

Hayley

xxx

(p.s. I am always here if you need a chat! Twitter, Tumblr, Instagram, Facebook or E-mail :) x)

favourite things #1

Happy Autumn, loves!

Theres a chill in the air and I am super excited about the next couple of months. But for now, I thought I would share a few of my favourite things. I'm hoping this will be a regular post from me and not one just based on beauty - though this one is very beauty heavy.

So, let me introduce you.

I have been loving tinted lip balms, like these Benefit beauties (Benefit Hydrating Tinted Lip Balm) These one's are a complete princess product as they are £14.50 a piece! But I also have been loving the Maybelline Baby Lips & the Korres Lip Butters. Comfortable & colourful!

The next product I have been consistently reaching for is the L'Oreal Paris Lumi Magique Touch Of Light Highlighting Pen. It is perfect for swiping away my dark circles & smoothing out my pores, plus it's light enough to not cake up on my skin!

I found an AMAZING mascara! Seriously, it takes a lot for me to be wowed by mascara, but this one definitely kicks mascara butt & it came from somewhere totally unexpected! It is the My Little Beauty Mascara Soin Et Volume (French for Volume & Care Mascara). Sadly, you can only buy it from the site & they don't currently ship to the UK - major sad face. It is €19 which is £14.08, on the pricy side but seriously worth the extra couple of pounds!

This next one is kind of a tease, as it was a limited edition product I received in a Glossybox a while back! It is the Kryolan Highlighter in Cashmere. This brand is a very well kept secret in the blogosphere, but is commonly found in the professional make up artist's kit! This is a cream highlighter that gives a beautiful glossy, not glittery, finish. It's also the perfect colour for a fair girl like me. I think I may have found it on the Kryolan website, here, if you'd like to check it out!

Lastly, but not at all least are these amazing pyjama bottoms that I found in Primark! They are Harry Potter themed & are covered in a pattern which looks the just the Marauders Map! They are the most perfect lounging pants for a huge Potter fan like me & if I remember correctly they were only £8 - bargain!

And here is my cat, who decided that it was time for a cuddle when I was taking these photos.

Sooooo cute!

What are your current favourites? I would love to know!

Lots of love, 

Hayley

xxx

Ode to my bed

Relaxing is very important.

It lowers your stress levels, improves your health and simply makes you feel good.

Some people like to relax outdoors, others have a certain chair or room that makes them feel good. For me, it is my bed and bedroom. I feel so safe and snug when there, it is my favourite place to lay back (literally) and relax.

As soon as I am here, with the door closed and the curtains drawn, that is my time to relax. Mostly, that involves tapping away on my Macbook and watching TV, scrolling through Instagram or reading a book. But it doesn't really matter what I do, it's just being there that makes me feel better.

I thought I would share some small snippets of my space.

 

So, there you have it. My space.

Where is your favourite place to relax? Let me know!

Lots of love, 

Hayley

xxx

being poorly creates dreams

This past week, I have been sick with the flu. 

This means a few things, 

1. I have had to stay off work, therefor I have watched so much TV, I think I have filled my quota for the year.
2. I have eaten so much junk food it is unreal. 
3. I have spent too much time thinking.

And thinking can be a right pain.

One of the things I have been thinking about today in particular is the internet. 

I miss social media and London Fashion Week always brings this out of me. London is the most beautiful city in the planet. Living there is a dream (cliche, much) and fashion is something I have alway admired, although I myself, do not have the eye. 

I also think the cooler months have this effect on me. I have always been at my happiest during this time, and it is when I feel the most confident. 

This all leads up to the fact that I want to start blogging and producing youtube videos again. I may not be great at it, and when it comes to summer I may pack it in, again! I cannot stand summer beauty and fashion. But I still want to do it, because it makes me feel like I have accomplished something when I can see something that I have produced all by myself. 

Now I don't know if this post is the drugs talking or it's because of the slight temperature I currently have, but now I have written it down, it's kind of a commitment, right? 

Anyway, have a picture of my cat to break up all the text.

There!

Now, I hope that you all had a lovely summer, and that it was everything that you dreamed. Summer is never that for me. 

But keep a weather eye on this blogs horizon, because I am sure there will be more to come. If not, I will eat my hat. But I will have to buy one first.

Lots of love, 

Hayley 

xx