hold up....

Depression is a weird illness, for many reasons. But today I wanna touch upon one...

It is invisible. You don't see it (or if you do it's rare)

This mean that most people don't know you are ill, when inside you're buckling from the weight of it all.

No, no, before you ask, I'm feeling good today! 

Good enough to take four selfies! A whole FOUR! That I like!

Scrolling through my Instagram feed I have noticed a drastic change.

It's probably just me that's noticed it but I'm having mixed feelings. 

There has been a big increase in the amount of selfies I am posting. 

I have always felt ashamed to post pictures of myself, I'm not really sure why. Could it be poor self-esteem? That I don't wanna seem braggy about myself? I don't know.

But today I am putting my foot down. Everyone needs to indulge in selfies.

If you feel good about yourself, snap that shit & post it everywhere! I wanna see it. I wanna see your smiling happy face, your pouty duck face, your smize, your 'groupie' as the kids call it, a shot with your animal friends! 

I want to see you feeling positive about your being and your life. 

Some people complain about selfies. I say screw 'em. If you don't like it, just scroll on by, no harm done. 

When I look at my social media when I was having a really tough time, it kind of breaks my heart. The few selfies I posted my eyes look dead and sad. I look like I don't wanna be on the planet, because well, I didn't. Mostly, it's pictures of my little feline protector who made those months bearable. 

So basically, what i'm saying is i'm gonna post selfies a lot & if you want to, you should too.

Do not have selfie shame. 

And if my selfies bother you, then you can SUCK IT 

(or just scroll past and ignore?)

Much loves,

Hayley 

xxx

p.s here, have some examples!

82%

Yep guys, over 80%!

Can you believe it? I'm struggling to a little bit, but i'm gonna go with it!

Sometimes life is good, you smile for no reason, go for a walk with no destination and dance in your kitchen using a milk carton as a microphone. 

I hope you don't mind me talking about this, but I find it just as important to log the good bits as well as the bad bits. 

Look, a picture of a happy person and a cute cat!

Obviously, I don't think I am "cured". I'm not sure there is even such a thing, but I'm feeling good. Which rules. 

There are lots of things that have contributed to this, mostly people and my furry critters. I hope that you know who you are and that you know I love you. You're the best. 

Anyway...

'Till next time. Let's hope the vibe is similar.

Much love,

Hayley

xx

Going Cruelty Free

Animal testing is the worst.

 Like actually. Think of the bunnies and other small furry creatures. Do they really need to go through that hell just so that we can wear a pretty colour on our lips or have hair that stays in place? I think not. 

This is why I have decided to "Go Cruelty Free", as in no longer purchasing products that do this to the poor fuzzies, but let me tell you, it is not easy! 

Whilst I know that it is becoming easier as consumers are coming more aware that this is happening in the world, it's still such a struggle to find something that does the job from a company that you can trust.

Company wise, there are only a few which I feel 100% confident purchasing from. These are Lush, Barry M, Superdrug (their own brand stuff!) and Holland & Barrett, and whilst I feel confident I still always do the bunny check before I buy. 

The bunny, by the way, is this little guy..

He is the Leaping Bunny.

This is the start of the road for me, so I'm writing this to hopefully find good recommendations of brands or products that you have found that work well for you. If I find any, I will keep you informed!

Also, if you are new to this too, I find this site a helpful guide (although it is American so a lot of the products are not available on this side of the pond... annoying)

www.crueltyfreekitty.com

Also, the Leaping Bunny site is something you might find useful.

So please, let me know if you have any recommendations and I will keep mine coming, too!

 I am not a professional animal rights campaigner, I am just a person who loves all creatures great and small, which means I don't have any facts and figures. For more information you can check Peta or a little Google search will provide the nasty answers if you want them. I don't like to, because it makes me sad... 

Reality sucks. 

Much love, 

Hayley 

x

32%

Today, I feel like a pretty poor 32%. 

I woke up later than I should have and just lay there for a while and stared at the ceiling.

Then I forced my self to reach over and pick up my phone to scroll through my social medias.

After a good 40 minutes of this, I managed to get up, run to the bathroom and brush my teeth. 

I made my way downstairs, made myself a coffee and just kind of, stirred it, until it went cold. Then I managed a few sips. 

I eventually managed to make myself some cereal which took me 2 hours to eat. 

I thought putting on make up and leaving the house would make me feel better. It didn't, but I did do it.

Now i'm back in bed at 1.30pm in the afternoon and I feel like today is done. 

My head is sore and my heart is sad and I just want to curl back up and stare at the ceiling until sleep takes me again. 

This is okay and it's probably what I will do, but the most annoying thing about today has been that yesterday, I was a good, solid 76%!

Yesterday I saw my friends, smiled, laughed, sang, I even made food and ate it. All of it!

The most annoying thing about this whole situation is how much can change in a matter of 12 hours. 

Yesterday was a success, but today feels like a failure. 

I hope that tomorrow brings some progress and I can get above 50%.

Much loves 

xxx

ASOS Spring Wishlist

The sun is out, the birds are singing, I think that Spring is coming!

And that means, SHOPPING! 

I just wanted to share with you what's on my current 'I want this in my wardrobe NOW' list from ASOS. I am loving florals, pastels and light fabrics as I am so so happy that Winter is finally over, I almost want to bin my coat. Almost.

Jumper With Ruffle Front Detail - £28.00     Water Colour Floral Border Print Blouse - £36.00

Glamorous Nude Suedette Ribbon Tie Ballet Shoes - £20.00 *heart eyed emoji*

Lace And Organza Midi Dress - £95.00

Shirt Dress with Frill Detail in Stripe - £38.00    Dr Martens Gryphon Strap Sandals - £90.00

In My Mind

Guilt, Jealousy, Frustration, Anger, Hatred.

These are the words that come to the front of my mind when I'm having a bad day with my low mood. Let me explain...

Guilt. Because I can't be there for my work colleagues and friends, because I'm too tired to get down the stairs never mind attempted something that could be risky, like driving.

Jealousy. Why are all these other people living their day to day lives happily and normally, whereas for me, everything I do feels like it's a marathon. Why can't I be like that. 

Frustration. I'm being stupid. You're an idiot. You can do it you're just being lazy. Get up, you stupid moron. Get in your car, fat idiot. Get going like a NORMAL PERSON.

Anger. I'm so angry with myself. Why aren't you normal?! Why can't you cook a meal, read a magazine or wash the dishes?!

Hatred. I hate this. I hate being this way. I hate my brain. I hate the way this makes me feel. I hate myself. 

Anyway,

Today has been the first really tough day I've had in a while, which I am thankful for. But I was hoping those days had gone forever. 

I guess you can't get rid of this like you can the flu.

Lots of love,

Hayley

x

How I Live

Hello loves! I hope you are all doing fabulously well and I hope that 2016 is treating you superbly so far!

I know, I know, I am rubbish at this whole blogging thing but I won't apologise. This is my little spot on the internet and no matter how hard I try to keep it up to date, sometimes it's just too much for me. 

Aaaaanyway... (this about to get deep bros)

These past couple of months have honestly been really tough for me.

Usually, everyday is a bit of a struggle for me but December and January have just caused me to almost have a full on breakdown. I have been suffering and I feel like now is the time to put it out there, as I do not want this to become something I am embarrassed about - I'll explain later.

Basically, *takes deep breath* I am currently suffering with something my GP & therapist like to call low mood. 

I am not 100% sure, but I think that it's pretty much depression, anxiety and all around stress put together in a package with a big awful bow on the top.

Now the reason I don't want to be ashamed of this is because a huge amount of people suffer with this. I have pulled some facts from the internet to show you the hugeness of this illness:

• 1 in 4 people will experience some kind of mental health problem in the course of a year.
• Globally, an estimated 350 MILLION people of all ages suffer with depression.
• As many as 9.7% of the population suffer with mixed depression and anxiety, making it the most prevalent mental health problem as a whole!

I'll stop there because that isn't what this post is about. I don't want to hammer you with facts and figures, I want to talk about my experience so far.

The realisation of me having depression happened when I was told some mega exciting news by some family members. EVERYONE was excited, past me would DEFINITELY have been very excited, but current me was not. I sat there, unmoved. The only emotion I semi felt was worry. I figured that that was not the reaction I should have had, and it clicked in my brain. I couldn't ignore this numb feeling that persisted inside me anymore. Everything was dull and dark and negative. I'm still pretty much that way at the moment & it's tough. 

Anxiety on the other hand is something I have suffered with knowingly for years. Panic attacks in sweaty clubs, not being able to breath and constantly worrying about what others thought of me. Then I decided that I wasn't going to put myself through it anymore, so I stopped going out. Looking back on this, I realise, it was kinda stupid. By then the depression started it's numbing effect and I stopped caring what others thought about me staying in all the time. 

And voila! I am stuck. I wake up exhausted every day even though i've had 12 hours of sleep. The dark circles under my eyes are as distinct and bruise like as ever, and I have awful tummy pain (most likely caused by this, says GP) to boot.

I worry about work, my finances and that my family & friends will hate the person this has turned me into. Negative, often bitchy and very closed off.

Honestly, I hate me at the moment. A lot.

Now, I'm not writing this to moan about myself and my life because I know that everyone has daily struggles too, sometimes the thought of that is the only thing keeping me going, not gonna lie. 

I'm writing this because 1) it's kinda therapeutic for me and I feel like I need to explain as best I can what is going on in my head and 3) if you are suffering it's important to know you're not the only one.

Cliche? Yes! When you hear the doc say that to you, you brush it off. 

"Sure doc, that's great, but is that going to make me be able to be a part of my brothers wedding without feeling like i'd be better off in bed? or go on trips with my friends without thinking that they all secretly hate me? NO"

But it's good to know there's others that understand, even if they are a little further afield. If you suffer with any mental health issues, I would like to chat with you and discuss experiences and be friends and stuff!

I went off on a tangent. Sorry. Back to it...

Now I am having Cognitive Behavioural Therapy with a therapist every 2 weeks. She is a great listener and gets it, which is nice. I am also taking some anti-depressant tablets, which are currently making me a tad nauseous but that will fade, i'm sure.

My GP has been brilliant.

If your having a tough time, try to talk to your GP. It took me years to do it because I was a huge sceptic. I thought this was just a part of who I am. But it's not. And if a medical professional can tell me it will get better, then I have faith in them.

I'm not going to lecture you about this, because you know what is best for you. But this is my "Mental Health Journey" so far. I'm hoping that it brightens up a bit soon.

(Look at the chum who was helping me to write this! I love her too much. But after I took this picture, she wrestled with my hands, gnawed at me and then ran away. Cat life)

Lots & lots of love,

Hayley

xxx

(p.s. I am always here if you need a chat! Twitter, Tumblr, Instagram, Facebook or E-mail :) x)